I have not succeed in anything i wish to achieve from young til 20 years of my life. Everything i hoped for, failed. From young, i always wanted to go into a good secondary school, but i missed by one mark to get into the desired school. I remembered crying so bitterly after my PSLE...

In secondary school, i also hope to go into a JC.. Again, missed by 1 mark, i failed again.

In poly.. i worked so hard to improve my GPA, so as to get into a university. But i failed again. Leaving me heading no where right now......

Perhaps the only thing i'm happy about is that i passed my driving test at my first attempt.

I'm sick of failing, esp when i fall from a great height. Time and again, it hurt, and it hurts even more when history repeats itself. I feel so.... useless..... i feel so weak.... i feel so exhausted.... i really tasted depression.

Work sucks, but i can't leave. Its like i'm driving myself into a dead end..

Someone told me that God has his plans for everyone, and he wouldn't settle you for anything less.. But... how long is that going to take. I really can't take it anymore.

Just can't take it any longer. Somethings are not meant to be.

I really dun want it anymore. Please don't force me.

I'm tired, i'm exhausted.

Life's too cruel.

I understand y people choose to end their lives prematurely. Because sometimes living is too painful.

In a few more hours, i'll be embarking my journey to a new chance. In fact, its the last stage.. I do admit i have jitteries for this stage, because i've failed once before, and its at the exact location. But i've thought it for quite some time, and i'm now ready to face my fear. I'll be battling with the psychological anxiety within me, no matter how strong it is, it is not going to engulf me, it is not going to rid me of my performance.

I prayed for the best. The questions, the people, and myself.

I'm not tired, i'm ready to fight.

In a few more hours, i'll be embarking my journey to a new chance. In fact, its the last stage.. I do admit i have jitteries for this stage, because i've failed once before, and its at the exact location. But i've thought it for quite some time, and i'm now ready to face my fear. I'll be battling with the psychological anxiety within me, no matter how strong it is, it is not going to engulf me, it is not going to rid me of my performance.

I prayed for the best. The questions, the people, and myself.

I'm not tired, i'm ready to fight.

After this post, my next post would describe the anxiety i'll be facing. However, right now i'm feeling rather neutral, perhaps i have enough of worrying done today. I've tried my best to prepare myself, yet i felt its not the best, because i can't expect what will be going on..

I'm glad at least a chance is given to me, a rare chance, a miracle.

I'll continue praying, because i believe. =)

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

I'm really THANKFUL for the chance. I can never be more grateful. I really hope i wun screw this last chance up. Sighh.. can help but feeling real stress over it. The more i want it, the more i'm afraid of losing it. Who doesn't?

SOMEONE answered me today. Whatever i said, all come true. I may feel disappointed, but i believe that he/she know wat's the best for me, becos i asked to set it for me. I'm glad it turn out this way, i'm glad for my friend, i'm glad whatever i wish for, come true today. =) Thanks for hearing me out, thanks for telling me which way i shld go. =)

Today deardear let me drove his car from Hougang to Tampines Mall, and from there back home! It was FUN!! However, there was once i almost.. erm... den got abit of shock! I think i have a bad habit of auto car, that is, when i got nervous when i wan the car to slow down, i depressed the accelerator instead... =/ Other than that, so far so good. =) I came back in one piece leh. =D

Its not something great at all. No matter how high u climbed, if u juz fall, u are back on the ground.

I'm really tired and defeated..

However, i'm still pinning some hopes. I can't help to wish for a miracle, but i can't help to have bad feelings.

I'm almost giving up.

Happy!!! I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!

Phew~! All money haben gone to waste, from wat i calculated, it is around $1000+. But still private instructor is cheaper than learning in school. Hehes.. My effort of going lesson at night at a tiring day has paid off, my money, my energy, my leave.. Phew! =) I'm so thankful! I got a rather simple route and a very friendly tester who will put u at ease, although he's rather strict!! He test every single thing and make me do all those "more difficult" stunts which my instructor asked me to take note, cos he know that some tester like to make things difficult! I'm so thankful i got him as my instructor, he's really a very good instructor!! Anyone wan me to recommend? Highly recommended! =)

Thanks everyone for wishing me before the test! Really need that.. And i really keep praying and praying, but i really duno who am i praying to. Haha.. Really thanks all the gods above for blessing me, and not forgetting my mum who prayed to our Niang Niang to give me a good test route! =)

First hurdle cleared! Now its time for the second!! I really will do my best~~ I juz need chance and luck once again! Jia you.. I will do it. =)

Went to catch Ant Bully juz now with deardear!! Its a kiddie show i know, but its very educational k! =p Haha.. all abt team work between ants, its juz very nice and motivating! =) but duno y i see dear yawning.. hmm... anywae, before the show started, alot advertisements show that alot of cartoons are coming up!! =D And the one i want to watch is Monster House! A house that can eat ppl~!

Hehe.. Wore my new specs out today! Hmm.. duno y it feels blurry. Its like the degree is same as my old specs. I know that my degree didn really worsen for the past 4 years, yet i felt blur. I remb it was very clear when i went for my eye check, sighh..

Went dear's house for dinner den head home. Just like tt! Simple and nice day! Oh today i experienced one of the most intense headache i ever experienced~ I duno y esp when i wear specs out shopping, i'll tend to get headaches more frequently. And there was this time the entire back of my head is like cramping and splitting apart!!!!! It felt worse when i rest my head straight, have to turn the the side. And luckily, it only last for like 5 mins only. Scary!

*i really wish it can come true this time, not another disappointment, please*

Today is really a special day for me. I wana take this chance to thank the following people! Big huggies to you two.. love ya lots!

Jan and Wee>> Thanks for being there with me, thanks alot for waiting so long together with me, thanks for your ongoing encouragements and "scoldings", thanks for praying for me, thanks for crying with me.. =)

I've been blessed with good friends around me. I really really want to treasure them..=)

Now's a chance given to me, a really rare and difficult chance. Its all up to me now. I juz need some more strength, and i hope i wun be letting myself and you guys down.. Let me end the race with glory.. *pray* A simple, but sincere thanks to all you have been there for me. You know who you are. I dun think i'll stand up without u guys, love ya all.. =)

There was supposed to be a NP gathering at 6.30pm today. But i didn know as i din receive any smses from liping. My connection sux! Sighh.. So sorry.. Promise to go the next time if there's one~~

2 more days. Let me end this race.

Sometimes i really feel so tired.... really.... at times i really feel like isloating myself away from all these things..... I really cannot take it......

I'm not a person who will work well under stress. I like to do things that i wan to do at my own pace, telling myself wat to do, instead of u ppl to tell me what i should do... I'm so tired.... Why can't u all say simple encouragement at all..? Instead of keep lecturing me on wat to do, why can't u all juz say things like "Dun worry, u'll juz be fine" or "You can do it". And that's enuf...

Learning driving in the first place is a mistake. I never took interest in it, only that my parents keep pressurizing me therefore i take it up. I haben even went for the test, and u ppl keep reminding me that i have to pass, keep "teaching" me wat to do, keep reminding how much i have to pay if i fail.... I'm really very tired...

Feel like crying. I seek no comfort from this family at all. no enouragement, only stress.

I wish i didn learn at all. I really... give up.

Feeling so empty. So many people got their new directions in life, i'm still heading no where. I know i have a goal in mind, yet it is not easy to get it. I know i have to buck up, but i really feel so tired at times that i forgot how to buck up.

Am i too naive to aim for such things? i'm starting to feel this way.

I'm so sick of working. I dun care if anyone's seeing this, but i really hate this damn place. Ask for transfer already, some freaking ppl say "no prob, i can arrange that", yet its all bull shit talking. This stupid place is driving me crazy, full of hypocrites all around. I dun wana care, but yet my ears are not deaf yet, i feel so irritated hearing things all around, so tired of seeing how people can actually act. So tired. Full of shitty people.

How? Not happy ah? For all i care, cos i dun give a damn abt you, so i wouldn't care if u even give a damn abt me.

So mentally tired now. Really.. Something's juz affected my mood. I juz need a direction in life, i juz need a confirmation route, i need something which is fixed. Somehow, i have no energy right now to end the race.

10 ways to make my bear angry:

1)Tell him that he's smelly
2)Tell him that he's a pillow
3)Tell him that his insides were made of cotton wool
4)Say he looks like ham chim peng
5)Say he's 2-D
6)Trying to snatch his leaf away from him
7)Say his clothes are tattered and torned
8)Force him to close his eyes
9)Say his head is bigger than his body
10)Say other bears are cuter than him

Shit, i'm currently feeling very scared right now. Sighh.. I wanted it so much, yet i'm afraid of not getting it. How.. I hope i can treat it as a play play thing, but i can't. I need strength suddenly, and i need lots of luck.

Anywae had a stayover at emily's place last night til this evening! It was to celebrate joanne's bdae which is tml~ Haha.. Initial plan was to watch a mid-night movie, but becos joanne had a driving lesson at 830am, we cancelled the idea. Played scrabble instead..haha. Morning woke up to shop at TM for food to prepare for steamboat later! Bought lots of things! Steamboat was quite a success i suppose, thanks to emily for her hard work!!! =) Hees..

Sighh.. once again i'm getting scared. Can i juz get thru this. Sigh..

Went to watch Long Hu Men just now with deardear and his family! Its a great great show, felt so high all the while during the movie, especially during the fighting scenes! Wah.. so shiok man! If only i can fight like that..! Of cos there are some parts of the movie which i felt can be improved. Nevertheless, its a great movie which i dun mind watching again! =p

Before that went to Hotel Redenvous to have buffet lunch cum high-tea to celebrate dear's friend 21st bdae! Hehes.. The food was okay only, nothing much actually.

Hmmz.. Somehow kinda felt hopeful again. I really, really hope i can be given a chance to try again. Sigh.. If i were given this chance this time, i promise i woulnd't let it go.

Ydae had a great time attending a make-up class at I Nuovi! It was a 2.5 hr class, at first i tot it'll be draggy, but i was wrong! Time seemed to fly~~ Learn basic things like eye brow shaping, blending of eye colours, eye lash curling, lip lining etc etc.. Haha.. It was a $20 course, but the $20 is inclusive of the things that u can redeem from the shop! So i bot an eye lash curler and a sahara eye paint, and i juz need to top up $11 to get these 2 items~ =) Oh yah, thanks to fiona who bot the bag and ear studs from bangkok for me! *hugs*

Sighh.. feeling so exhausted now! I didn have a moment to rest my legs at all... Besides standing from 9am-6pm during work, i shop after work alone desperately to look for some things, yet i cannot find! From SGH to wheelock, from wheelock to Cathay Cineplex, everywhere is a wasted trip. That baby heels of mine left my feet blistered, and tml i'm just going to wear slippers to work! Dun care! bleah.. =p

My car stalled when i was abt to turn right to head back my instructor's place. I duno y it stalled u see, because there's no sudden break of anything. After that i realize, my leg did not depress the clutch fully..... Why? Because my leg is too tired! Today driving seemed to be very energy draining, because i didn have enough energy to start in the first place! Sighh.... fatigue!

And also, i spotted 1 fire engine and 5 ambulances during that 830pm-1030pm period, 4 from Ubi, 1 from hougang. Tragic day? Sighh.. hope there's world peace!